MARS THE GENTLE KILLER (Part Four)

Copyright (c) 2022 Revised Edition by Unus Vocate.

SUSAN (continued)

For while he had pleaded with her for his own happiness and self respect, he had gone beyond the limits of what she considered to be decent and had forced her to make an unbearable decision. As they sat together on the couch, with Ted holding her and attempting to kiss away the tears, she cried and felt very much alone.

Her world was a soft and tender Domain.

It was a Walt Disney type of place where the Villains never did any real harm, where Sheep lived side by side with Lions and where the day was spent playing in the Sunshine. Perhaps it was her own personal need for such a place that caused her to think in such terms but more likely it was just the common human failure of seeing only the good things and ignoring the bad things in life.

In any event while there was a great deal of sameness in their social manners and in the way they would relate to each other, deep within them there was a wide chasm that could never be bridged by love.

Ted saw Selfishness standing along side of Love and he could see Hatred being tempered by Acts of Kindness. 75

He thought that, in time, she would learn to accept the evil as well as the good in life and then they would be able to face the future together.

He was wrong.

His impersonal philosophy challenged the very foundations of her idyllic world and she could never accept such ideas as being a part of herself. She loved him as much as it was possible for any one person to love another but ... she could not become him. That was something he just did not understand.

The next morning when he left to catch a plane for Miami, she kissed him harder and held onto him tighter than she had ever done before.

"Hey, don't worry so much. I'll be alright. I'll only be gone for about a month, only four short weeks, then we'll be back together again and we can work things out. Alright? We'll work it out then. O.K.?"

She pretended to agree as she fought to hold back the tears.

"Well, I've got to be going. Hey, tell you what. I'll send you something back from the Caribbean. How about that? Would you like that?"

She meekly nodded her head "Yes."

"I'll send you something you can really use -- like a box of Cigars!"

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He tired to joke but the sadness on her face told him that this was not the time for joking.

"Hey don't be so worried! Really, it'll be alright, you'll see.. Look, I promise I'll be back here in four weeks time. O.K.? Four weeks at the latest, now that isn't very long. I'll come back here safe and sound and then we'll be able to straighten everything out. So come on, be a brave girl and let me see you smile."

She forced herself to smile.

"There! That wasn't so hard now, was it? Well I've gotta be going. I love you."

"And I love you."

He gave her a strong, hard kiss on the lips, then waving his hand and looking back over his shoulder, he started walking away.

"Don't Go!"

She cried out silently with her heart. "Please don't leave me!" He stopped, smiled, and threw her a kiss. Then he turned and continued walking away.

She watched him leave and when he had gone down the steps to the Alley and started walking towards the Street, she ran out to the Fire Escape, threw open the door and rushed onto its naked metal frame work, to wave frantically at him as he walked away.

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He smiled as he thought, "Don't worry sweetheart, I'll make things better for you when I get back. You'll see. Things will be better then."

She stared at him and memorized every little detail about him. The clothing he wore, the way he walked, the way he waved his hand ... his smile. She stood there and stared after him long after he had gone; till he was just a memory and his image had faded to an empty spot on the horizon; she continued looking in that direction. Then, accepting the fact that he wasn't coming back, she turned and going back into the apartment, walked to the couch, sat down and, as a heavy curtain of grief fell over her, she burst out in tears.

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Exactly four weeks, and one day later; Ted returned to Susan. He was a day later than he had promised in getting back to her but she was a good girl and she would understand.

(His latest assignment had been a failure --

It seemed like everything had gone wrong on this trip; the Assassination attempt had failed, several innocent people were killed while Ted had been wounded and was lucky to have escaped with his life. However he had proven himself as a Soldier. This Profession seemed to come naturally to him. He had done everything possible, above and beyond the Call of Duty, to complete the assignment and to protect his fellow Soldiers. He felt certain that Mr. X and the Ruling Board, would be proud of him when they learned of his exploits on this trip and that they would not hesitate to call on him again, whenever he was needed. But for now, he was free to return to his beloved Susan, and to the privileged world of love they had shared together,)

He returned to Chicago; Sun tanned, limping, and with his left arm in a sling.

"There are so many interesting things I have to tell her about. Things that aren't violent or cruel either, just interesting. And I can't wait to tell her about some of the funny things that had happened on this trip. She shouldn't object to those kind of things."

He thought absent-mindedly. 79

"Oh it's good to be back home and to be with Susan again, she's such a wonderful person, I am really so lucky to have found her."

He took the sling off his arm, so as not to alarm her, and then practically ran up the stairs to their apartment.

He knocked on the door and not getting any response from within, (he had hoped that Susan would come to the door to greet him and they would be able to share in a happy and surprised reunion) but unfortunately he was disappointed and he had to use his own key to open the door and let himself in.

As he entered the kitchen he immediately noticed a cake, a Banana Bread Cake, one of his favorites, on the kitchen table. And there, on the table, right next to the cake, in a surprising neat and well written form of script, was a letter from Susan. The letter read as follows;

Ted, I love You!

Oh my darling, how I love you.

Please forgive me for what I've done, with that part of your God-given Soul that is still good and pure, please forgive me. 80

But I just can't take it anymore, I can't stand to continue living with you, not even for one more minute. You claim to be a caring and sensitive person but I'm sorry my darling -- you are far from that. There is something Evil living in you and it is changing you, little by little, it is taking over your heart and slowly destroying everything that is good inside you. In time it will completely take over your life and totally destroy you, just as it has already destroyed our Love.

I had hoped we could live out our lives together, loving each other and maybe even raising children, but I guess such a wonderful thing as that, as you and I living Normal Lives, is too much to ask. The Evil that lives inside of you would never allow it to happen. We would be too happy living like that and your new Master is far too jealous of your affections to let us have even a small crumb of happiness for ourselves. I love you with all of my heart and there are no limits on my love but still ... I'm very weak and small when compared to the Evil One and my love isn't strong enough to help you. To save you.

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And so, I must go. I don't want to leave you, my precious one, my sweet and loving Teddy Bear, oh how child-like you seem to be sometimes -- I just want to hold onto you tightly, for now, and ever more, and to always be there loving you and comforting you; but that is not to be. There is no real choice for me. I must go.

Please forgive me for everything bad I've ever done to you, and for this sinful thing I must do now (I am also an Evil Person and so very much unworthy of your respect) but if you can find it in your heart to share in one last act of love with me, then this is what I would have you do. If you should happen to think of me, please let your thoughts be tender ones and when you think about our parting, please forgive me.

I Love You Ted, I love You!

He felt a strange tingling sensation crawl up his neck while he read the letter, the unspoken threat it contained and that she couldn't quite bring herself to speak, lurked like a fore-shadowed message of doom in the back of his mind. Acting as if the letter were somehow contaminated, he quickly pulled his hands back and let it fall to the floor.

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Then, feeling confused and troubled by what she had written, he quickly turned away and walked into the living room. He'd no more than turned the corner to enter the room when he found her.

She was still here!

"Susan! -- Susan!"

There near the wall with his war pictures, she lay naked on the floor in a pool of her own blood, with her wrists cut open and her eyes staring up at him. -- She was still here!

Yes she was still here and yet she was also, now and forever more -- gone from him.

And the realization of his loss, the impact of her death, struck like a hammers blow against his heart.

Too late he saw her value.

Too late he understood her.

Too late he saw what she meant to him.

Too late, everything was now too late.

He rushed to her side to hold her and try to comfort her but she was now totally beyond his soothing. Her body was cold and stiff with the indifference of death and she had been death for many hours now.

The Bonds of Affection that had been so carefully woven; the give and take pattern of Sharing, the growth of their Shared Self, the surrender and conquest of Selfishness; the Love that had lived between them; was now torn and shattered beyond repair.

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Destroyed and wasted, their love had been spilled from her veins, poured out to be lost in the squalor of this miserable apartment, their love now lay dead and useless on the floor in a pool of spent blood and in Susans' lifeless body.

He knelt down beside her and tenderly lifted her up to hold her to his chest. He held her close, oh so very close, as if he could share the warmth of his body with her, if only he held her tight enough. Then, feeling the sadness begin to swell within him, he asked her, "Why? Why did you leave me?"

Her note had not reached his inner self and not even her suicide had found its mark. There was only an added depth of loneliness for Ted, only a deeper shade of black for his soul. He was far beyond the realm of sensitivity now as he held her cold, rigid body in his arms and openly, with an out-pouring of grief he felt would never end, he wept. With tears for Susan and for all the disappointments she had known in her life and yes, even for the time and all of the feelings they had shared together, that had led her to this, her suicide and her final disappointment, he cried.

He sat there, holding her, kissing her, rocking back and forth, caressing her; as he tried to reason with her.

"Susie...Baby...you don't understand... you can't do this...you can't leave me -- I Love You! I Need You!" 84

Slowly, as the minutes tediously passed by, a dark oppressive Cloud seemed to come over him and fill up the room with a heavy grey mist. As the Cloud grew in size and pressure, he began to feel himself pull away from the blood and tear stained scene and to rise above the confines of his body.

Stunned by the confusion of his own emotions, disoriented by grief, it was almost as if he were floating outside his body and looking down on the lovers and the scene of death below. As his detachment grew, he laid Susans' body down, gently on the floor, to once again lie in the pool of her own blood, as he stood up to look upon the tragedy he had caused.

Stiffly, as a Statue might step off its pedestal and start to walk away, he turned away from her and went into the kitchen, where he took up a place of hiding in a corner. Where he sat, curled up tightly in a ball, lost to the world of consciousness for the next few days.

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While the City continued its Ebb and Tide flow of activity from Sunlight to Shadow, and the sound of the City's Traffic slowly faded to the quiet of night, he didn't move from his corner sanctuary.

Fitfully, a restless sleep would over-take him and the distorted images of dreams would play upon his mind. Like a silken Cocoon, his thoughts spun a web around Susan to protect her and keep her safe in the Fantasy World of Imagination. There, in the shelter of his mind, she would be safe, she would always be safe, within him. Smiling and happy, perhaps even sharing a laugh with him, they would continue on Forever, their Fates intertwined, like the Vines of Morning Glories wrapped around a picket fence, blooming in the warm Sunshine of their Love, they would live on. No longer burdened with the problems of this world, their cares; like soft white Clouds drifting lazy across a deep blue Sky; were far removed from the sorrows of life. They were Free!

Free from all the restrictions that held them captive to this World, free to wander thru the vast open reaches of the Universe, to discover all of the beautiful Wonders of Existence; that came flowing out in ever changing Patterns of Color and Light from the Fires of Creation -- to welcome them home.

Home! 86

Their new home where they would be safe and secure, for all Eternity, and where they could always be -- together!

Strong was the hold that grief held on him but as the long hours steadily moved on to their bitter resolution, the blinding torment of Susans' death slowly yielded to a softer and more forgiving state of mind. Awkwardly, as a cripple might begin a recovery, he began to return to the World of the Living. He would continue on with his life; with Susan next to his heart, with her soft voice always in his ears and her smile ever present on his mind; he would continue. Her death was a wound that would never heal and her absence was something that could never be forgotten, but he would continue.

As he began to recover from the shock of her death, he felt a strong desire to break away from the things which had caused her to commit suicide.

She had been wrong to hate his guns.

His weapons were not objects of evil but are instead, instruments of healing and peace. Just as a Surgeons' scalpel did indirectly cause pain, to accomplish its benevolent goals, so too did his guns -- thru the exercise of raw power, bring relief to those who were in need. 87

And she had also been wrong to condemn his actions. He didn't hurt anyone -- he only did what was necessary to free people from the pains of living! He acted as an Angel of Mercy to help his troubled fellow man. He brought relief, and not suffering, to the people he dealt with.

No, it was not he, his weapons, nor any of his beliefs that were at fault. It was Susan who had been wrong! She was wrong to misunderstand him and the things he was trying to do.

He had to get away from all of the ideas that were confused and get closer to the things which were real and honest within himself. He had to do whatever he could to escape from the pain and heartbreak that had come into his world. To begin with, he would have to clarify what he assumed to be his purpose in life. While the name of Teddy Garberg was a fine ordinary name, it wasn't a descriptive name and it didn't reveal to other people who, or what he was. He would have to take on a new name. He would return to what he considered to be his Ancestral Roots, to Ancient Rome, to find inspiration there and to help him decide upon a name that would have more meaning for him.

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It would have to be something of a Military Nature and something that would allow for an open expression of his identity. Perhaps he would take it upon himself to assume the name of...Mars?

Mars, the Ancient God of War, resurrected; alive again, living, breathing, walking upon this Earth: The Killing Impulse -- Extent! -- Incarnate! -- As it took up a place of residence in his soul. What a fitting name for him to have and what a perfect way for him to reveal his purpose in life.

With wounds, both in body and in spirit, like a Soldier who was besieged and surrounded by the Enemy but still ... would not surrender, he picked himself up from the floor and stood defiant as he accepted his Fate. The trauma of Susans' death had devastated him, the shock had caused an emotional crisis from which he could not recover -- he would never be the same person he had been before. He was now transformed. Generated by hardship, he had become a new person, a new Entity. Born in unbearable grief and baptized in Susans' blood, he would become -- Mars.

Standing there, alone in the darkness of this wretched dwelling -- this apartment that had become like a Death Trap for Susan; with the memories of her being so strong all around him; he realized that there was another part of his life that also had to be changed.

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He hated this apartment, this place of corruption; it had been the desperation of the Slums that had helped to destroy his beloved Susan. The harshness of life in the Ghetto can drag a person down until it seems like there is no hope for a better tomorrow and no chance to escape, except by way of Drugs, Alcohol or ... Suicide.

He had to get away. To go someplace where there would be a more pleasant Way of Living, and where he could look forward to each morning with all of the hope and promise of a new born day. He would move away from the City, and away from his Past, and start his life anew in a better place.

And so, the metamorphosis was complete; from a Factory Worker to a Professional Assassin, from Teddy Garberg to Mars Dextra; and from out of the rotting bowels of Chicago to the natural beauty of a Country Landscape. The Killer had emerged. Like a Caterpillar turned into a Butterfly, he had shed his humble beginnings and was now full blown into his Destiny. He would no longer conceal his purpose in life.

He was Mars -- a Killer.

But there would also remain a compassionate side to his personality; his desire to help those who were in Pain or who were Suffering from any of Life's various Torments; could only grow with the Peace of Mind and Serenity of Self that came with the acceptance of his Fate.

He was, and could only be, a Gentle Killer

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